Here Are the 3 Qualities a Therapist Says You Need to Look for in a Life Partner If You Want a Healthy Relationship
According to the American Psychological Association, approximately 40–50% of first marriages end in divorce. The divorce rate for second marriages is even higher, with approximately 60–67% of second marriages ending in divorce. If you're looking for a healthy relationship and want to avoid becoming a part of the statistics, it's important to look for certain qualities in a life partner. Healthy relationships are built on trust and mutual respect, but there are key essential qualities that go even deeper. According to marriage and family therapist Tamara Thompson, there are three key qualities that you should look for in a prospective life partner. If your partner doesn't have these qualities, then your relationship is likely to be unhealthy. In this interview, Tamara discusses the three qualities that are essential for a happy and healthy relationship.
1. Self-Awareness
Usually, when someone has been to therapy, they have a higher level of self-awareness and overall emotional intelligence. When you are with someone who has self-awareness, they know their triggers, they know how to self-soothe, and they know how to effectively communicate their needs. Partners who are self-aware can more easily hold themselves accountable and can own their role when things go off track or get derailed.
"Oftentimes in couples therapy, I meet couples that are getting into heated discussions and constant bickering, with each individual finding it challenging to identify how their 'stuff' contributed to things escalating. I talk to all of my clients about getting to know, accept, and love all parts of themselves. I often reference the Matt Kahn quote, 'People can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves,' which lets us know that without fully knowing and loving ourselves, it can be challenging to go deeper with others," Tamara shares.
If you want to be able to go deep and create a healthy relationship, get to know yourself deeply and become self-aware. You can then identify and attract a partner who can do the same.
2. Loyalty
To keep your heart open and be vulnerable with your partner, you have to feel safe. And to feel safe, you need to know you have a partner who is committed to you and to the relationship you both envisioned. Where there is loyalty, there is commitment. Commitment is the promise or agreement to stick it out. Loyalty is fidelity and faithfulness to that commitment.
Most people want to know that their partner is committed to figuring things out—that they won’t opt out of the relationship after the first fight or challenge, and that they are committed to the shared goals for the relationship. One of the most damaging things couples do is use exit language, such as “maybe we should break up” or “perhaps we should get divorced.” Every time exit language is used, it can leave a partner questioning the level of commitment.
Identifying shared goals for the relationship and committing to them early on provides ground rules and clear expectations. Loyalty creates an overall sense of well-being because it makes people feel safe and has been attributed to people living longer and leading more fulfilling lives.
3. Kindness
A kind person will have empathy and compassion. They’ll be supportive, nonjudgmental, respectful, and giving without an agenda. A kind partner will check many more boxes because they genuinely have a kind, loving, and giving heart. Kind people make great partners because they can put themselves in your shoes and listen without making it about them.
When someone is kind, their goodness can bring out the best qualities in their partner. They inspire you to grow and extend more kindness to others as they have extended to you. Kindness breeds kindness. Love breeds love. If you find a kind person, your relationship is off to a great start. Just be kind back.
How to Identify These Key Qualities Effectively
Finding a life partner is one of the biggest decisions we will ever have to make. It can be incredibly daunting, with many considerations to take into account. A good life partner is someone who can understand you, support you, and help you grow both as an individual and together. When looking for this person, it's important to stay true to yourself and your values. If the match isn't right initially, keep searching until it feels right. Tamara explained the top three qualities of a life partner—here’s how to identify them:
For a Self-Aware Partner
You can identify a person who is self-aware by observing how they handle difficult situations and how much insight they can provide regarding their behavior. Self-aware individuals usually take accountability for their actions and can articulate their role in interactions. They can express their needs and desires and go deeper when asked reflective questions like, “What made you do that?”
They’re often introspective, able to speak objectively about both their strengths and challenges. When people are self-aware, their values and actions are aligned. They know who they are.
For a Loyal Partner
Look to see if the person follows through on commitments. Do they quit easily? Do they justify not keeping their word? If so, you may want to ask more questions. Do they follow through even when things become difficult? What is their relationship with their family and friends?
If they have longstanding, solid relationships, that usually means they have navigated the ebbs and flows of human connection. Loyal people accept that relationships evolve—and they continue to show up and adapt.
For a Kind Partner
Kind people are usually easy to spot. They are polite, say please and thank you, and often volunteer their time or energy. They ask about your day and genuinely care about your response. Kind people want to see you happy and succeed—they are supportive and encouraging.
They rarely speak negatively about others, aren’t judgmental, and are generous and inclusive. Kind people express gratitude openly and aren’t driven by ego or external validation—they are guided by their heart.
The Benefits of Pre-Marital Therapy
Every couple can benefit from pre-marital therapy. “I offer a pre-marital journey package and encounter couples who originally believed they were on the same page and then discovered that they saw things differently,” Tamara shares.
Pre-marital therapy allows couples to check in on core values, roles, and expectations. Most couples discover something new in this process that leads to deeper conversations and greater clarity. Even highly aligned couples can benefit from this kind of check-in.
“When I meet with the couple individually, there is usually a topic that they want to talk more about and would like additional support around. Roles in the relationship, how money is handled, in-laws, sexual intimacy, expectations around children, and power dynamics are topics that come up most often.”
By the time a couple finishes pre-marital therapy, they typically gain clarity, communication tools, and an understanding of their love languages and how they show up in the relationship. Pre-marital therapy helps set the tone for open and honest communication and allows partners to team up to create a fulfilling marriage.
When you’re looking for a self-aware, loyal, and kind partner, pay attention to how they interact with the people in their lives. Do they follow through on commitments? Are they open, inclusive, and supportive? Pre-marital therapy is an excellent way to explore these questions before making a major commitment.
